THE FEAR OF DEATH

I don't know what's happening to me but.. I just feel like I need to express myself, that all of those things that I've always kept inside me need to go out of me, yeah they need to escape. They need to escape this dark side of me that I hide from everyone, that side that makes me want to stay alone all day, that side that makes me not to talk to anyone for days.. Let's say I'm a lonely person. This is not, in any way a call for some rescue or support, this is more like a "I'm like this, just deal with it" thing. I think it all began the day I lost him. You don't know how it feels 'til you live it, when it happened to me I was completely lost, I just wanted some peace, I wanted to be alone. I lost the person I loved the most on earth, and then I lost myself. I gave up, I started to wonder why I was on earth, what I wanted to do, what I wanted people to remember about me, what was death and thinking about this last one, I just started to fear death. Who would not you'll tell me. Moreover I wondered how to not be scared of it because HE was not. He knew he could leave me, leave us. What I didn't mention is that he had the faith, but when you're a scientist, you can't ignore that your brain and your entire body will stop living, where will your "spirit", your "soul" go ? Is there a life before death ? That scares me. This is just one of the thoughts I have about death, I unfortunately have so many others.. So this will be more like a public "secret diary". My goal is not the succeed like so many others, what I'm looking for is much more like a simple thing, but harder to achieve.. I just hope that some day I'll find the inner peace, I hope I'll find happiness. 

 This is for you, I can feel that you have an eye on me from where you are, I love you and I always will, grandpa.
Sincerly L.